Shared Story: Total. Meltdown. [TW: body shaming, anger]
Submitted by the-wordnerd
While getting reading to leave the house, I was hoping to wear a pair of jeans. I’ve grown out of all of my jeans unless I wear my shapewear underneath. For the life of me, I could NOT find that damned shapewear. Not in the laundry basket, not on my shelves, not with the clothes I wore it with last, not in the fucking pile of shit I throw on my floor when I’m too lazy to do anything else - NOWHERE.
Enter the breakdown.
I yelled a little, swore a lot. I tried to force myself into my jeans but couldn’t stand the pain. I angrily and far too rudely asked my girlfriend what she had done with it, and when the answer was not satisfactory, I repeated the same thing to my mother. Still no shapewear. So, next step? I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I fucking bawled.
Was I crying because I had lost a pair of old, stained, torn, stretched out shapewear? No. But, that was the very last straw. I had let myself go. For so long I’d maintained a consistent weight and body shape and size, and now that is changing. I’m slowly outgrowing my size 18/20 body and I’m not dealing with it well. When I first noticed, I purchased yoga wear and leggings and had been living quite comfortably in those until now.
This whole thing put me back in a state of self hate. Not because I completely dislike my fat body, but because I’d let myself do something to myself that I did not want - Something that I’m really not happy about.
I went out and bought another shapewear. After I put it on I realised something: This piece of material might smooth and tuck the bits that I’m uncomfortable with, it might minimize the roll over the top of my jeans, but that’s all it is - just a piece of material.
I will continue to wear it. Why? Because it helps me to hold my head up just a little bit higher. But I’m aware that my body remains what it is. I’m fat. And I’m cute. And if it takes a meltdown and a $40 pair of undies that I have to sweat to get into for me to realize that, then OK